get a life
by gokult
Summary: "— um, seriously Kil, get off your phone. How the hell're you supposed to make a straight guy gay when you're always on the stupid thing?" academy au.
1. my life is a shoujo manga

**TITLE:** get a life  
**GENRE:** humor, romance, friendship  
**RATING:** we are sticking to t, no matter how many orgies may occur  
**WORD COUNT: **2,312  
**NOTE:** i am bad w/ updates if you expect some from me i'll cry (only half kidding)  
but trust me i am going to damn straight try updates so bear w/ me thanks :'-)  
if there's bad grammar it's almost def on purpose bc it's based on me and I never type right outside of stories this note is examples a-z  
formatting is inspired by a combo of a vast variety of fics and social media yay  
romance will be mostly _side _probably- if that's changing, i will inform you. :-)  
**DEDICATED TO: **mish, bc im a hobo but thx for loving me anyway

* * *

"— and in that moment, I swear we were—"

"— no, you're an _idiot._ Like seriously, shut up."

.

.

_(hey you...)_

can you, like, _please_

**"G E T"**  
_a_

**L**

**I**

**F**

**E**

**?**

.

.

(psh, as if— _stupid_.)

.

.

_;-P_

**i. my life is a shoujo manga but im lit straight as fuck**

**BUZZ. BUZZ. _BUZZ—!_**

"— fuck you."

"Yeah, mornin' sunshine."

"Tch. What."

"You're a shit head, and we're halfway through third period, shit head. Better hurry your ass up or I'll quit covering for you—!"

"— ASHDJJFISKEHJLGW."

**CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED. _CALL ENDED—!_**

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- leorio is an ass  
\- i feel like shit  
\- wHAT IS LIFE FUCK SCHOOL  
\- destroy homework w/ fire  
\- mom stop _crying_

.

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** ass  
you're an ass. let me in.

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT: **re:RE: ass  
god, is that YOU outside  
the infirmary?! WTF MAN

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** this subj makes me feel like a prostitute  
yes it's me you dumbass noW  
LET ME IN ASS OR ELSE HISOKA  
WILL BE AFTER MINE

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT:** you picked it dumbass  
lol hisoka  
i swear if im ass in your phone,  
hisoka will find you drugged and ready in his chair

.

.

.

**3:14 PM**

I'm (still) in Leorio's office because school is _stupid_. He's complaining something about not having any boobs around here, but he literally works at an all dudes academy— I have no idea what he's been expecting this whole time, but boobs shouldn't be one of them.

I mean, I hate listening to him and boobs, but _creepy_ gay-ass Hisoka vs. Boobs.

Boobs win.

**3:16 PM  
**

"— oh, but Shizuku-sensei has a nice rack! Very bouncy."

"Yeah, but she's psycho. Like, I will kill you and eat your babies psycho."

"Oh... right. Sigh."

.

**3:23 PM**

I don't get boobs. They're just, like, masses of fat? How can they be even moderately attractive?

No offense to boob owners. I'm sure they're um, nice.

Probably. Like hell I'd know.

.

**3:28 PM**

DAMMIT I SKIPPED BREAKFAST.

**3:30 PM**

DOUBLE DAMMIT I SKIPPED LUNCH TOO.

**3:31 PM**

"— HOW THE _HELL_ DO YOU JUST NOTICE THAT?!"

"WELL IT (aka my stomach) WAS QUIET UNTIL THEN."

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

_SLAM_—!

"— GOD, Leorio, you're so damn lou... d."

"Oh, shit."

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- blonde guy comes in and makes leorio nervous  
\- blonde guy beats leorio up  
\- blonde guy comes near me  
\- blonde guy demands who i am  
\- "uH, im sick ow ow— BYE"  
\- bloNDE GUY JEALOUS?  
\- oF LEORIO LOLOL?  
\- blonde guy potentially after my friend/nurse's dick  
\- ONLY HALF JOKING  
\- probs not bc wow it's lEORIO  
\- blonde guy could do better  
\- god hisoka and his pervy ways have scarred me

meh im not that worried

.

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** hey man  
if you're dead, can i get  
the key to the nurse's office? :-D

.

.

.

**4:12 PM**

I ran away from Blondie because he had this whole aura of _THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH LEORIO_ and I just ran man, because you just don't mess with guys with auras like that.

Ugh, _effort._

_._

**4:14 PM**

OH GOD HISOKA RUN RUN LIKE THE WIND STUBBY LEGS CARRY ME

.

**4:17 PM**

He found some other kid to prey upon— I mean...

No, I mean prey upon. That guy stares at butts when they walk by.

**4:19 PM**

Poor kid. Seems gullible.

**4:20 PM**

How the hell does his hair even stick up like that? It's kinda funny looking.

His eyes are pretty though. Kinda like copper coins, except um... shinier.

**4:22 PM**

I guess.

I dunno man he just had really pretty eyes.

.

**4:24 PM**

CRAP HE SAW ME

**4:25 PM**

NO YOU MAY_ NOT_ USE ME AS A DECOY MR. PRETTY EYES I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS

**4:26 PM**

Goddammit.

.

.

.

**username: **killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**30 APRIL  
**_this is so gay_

(I am nOT BLOGGING BC I WANT TO THIS IS AN ASSIGNMENT _LEAVE ME ALONE_ BYe)  
(GOD IS COMPULSIVE ADDICTION TO PHONE AN ISSUE I DONT THINK SO)  
(that would mean 100% of the world is ill)  
(I don't need therapy _why am I even_ let's not)

Hey Netero if you're reading this I feel _gay_ and am questioning my _sexuality;_ on another note _FIRE HISOKA_ HE'S AFTER EVERYBODY'S ASSES  
IN ALL WAYS POSSIBLE HE'S LITERALLY AFTER EVERYBODY'S ASSES

He must be fired. I _will_ start a petition good _lord_

On another note, I met a kid with shiny eyes and we almost got group raped today (bY HISOKa) and he was pretty nice I guess I dunno man we just kept running because you know, _Hisoka_.

On another _ANOTHER_ note, somebody's lit stealing my internet connection who the hell does thAT WE'RE IN AN ALL DUDE'S DORM GET YOUR OWN ILLEGAL WIFI THAT ISNT ALLOWED

goddammit time to go hunt down this asshole

— _kil_

**2 COMMENTS:  
**_netero _says: ohohoho idgaf  
_bodoro-senshuu_ says: ZOLYDICK (DICK INTENDED) WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU DURING SCHOOL

_reply?_  
**yes** no

_killovescakes11 _says: ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS  
_leorio _says: are you dumb it lit says "— kil" at the bottom of all your damn posts  
_netero _says: ;-)

.

.

**1 MAY  
**_shiny eyes_

fuck if this ain't anonymous

I knocked on the door next door bc you know it's probably some lil freshmen shit and the guy who opeNEd IT WAS SHINY EYES  
and he opened it with his big grin and shiny eyes and, and, "Hi!"

I ended up talking to him for a while because he gave me some pizza and I skipped brEAKFAST AND LUNch _ok_ it wasn't bribery and it was pretty fun.

Leorio always says I have no friends WHO DOESN'T HAVE FRIENDS NOW, HUH PUNK?

anyway, I bet it isn't him, his eyes are too shiny AND WE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA TOGETHER C'MON  
seriously man

there's just _no way  
_that'd be breaking the bro code.

— _kil_

**6 COMMENTS**

_would you like to read?_**_  
_**yes **no**

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**4 MAY  
**_oh goD_

HisokA IS BEST FRIENDS W/ ILLUMI WTF

— _NO_

**23 COMMENTS:  
**_netero _says: lol  
_leorio _says: lol  
_bizky _says: lol  
_shizuku-sensei _says: lol  
_onii-chan _says: i thought you knew, kil...  
_18 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

_reply? _  
**yes** no

_killovescakes11 _says: FUCK

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.

**5 MAY  
**_nononONONONOOOOO_

I visited home yesterday bc mom was being annoying and when I was using the bathroom HISOKA _POPPED OUT OF THE SHOWE__R  
_AND HE WAS LIKE WOW KIL NICE BUTT?

NETERO _FIRE HIM_ HE STALKED ME HOME

and then Illumi inVADED THE BATHROOM _WHY_  
_"my_ brother senses were tingling" _MY ASS_ CAN WE NOT

— non_OOOOO_ kil

**39 COMMENTS**

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

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.

**NOTES:**

\- avoid hisoka  
\- avoid mom  
\- avoid illumi  
\- hide in nurse's office  
\- track down internet hijacker asshole  
\- SERIOUSLY _WHO DOES THAT_  
_-_ my bill is going to be so damn high  
\- kid needs to stop downloading greed island  
\- WTF EVEN _IS THAT_  
\- that shit takes up way too much data  
\- fml _hisoka_

.

.

.

**BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!**

"WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP SOONER, _DICK."_

"... why're you panting?"

"HISOKA."

"Oh, shit."

"LEORIO I _SWEAR_ IF YOU HANG UP—!"

**CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED—!**

"… _bastard_."

.

.

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT:** no  
if you're dead, i'm lit  
not paying the internet bill

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** re:RE: no  
fuCK HE'S ON ME asuHEKEL

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**10 MAY  
**_i never wanna be a janitor_

so I was running from hisoka as per usual because he's really butt hungry (but seriously, what even is his job? how doES HE CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY?) I get tugged inside the cleaning closet.  
I mean most people would be like "oh my _DOKI DOKI"_ but if I must remind you, I go to an all guys school so like, no boobs.

and so BeFORE I COULD CALMLY TELL THE DUDE I'M STRAIGHT because I'm straight guys, _seriously,_ the lights turn on.

"— oh, it's shiny eyes."  
"Hahaha, getting chased by Hisoka again?"  
"He's so damn _creepy_."

And then we bonded part two because we found the janitor in the back room making out with his mop  
and it wAS A LIL TOO INTENSE FOR SHINY EYES AND HE PASSED OUT

the lesson is that janitors are humans too, guys, and we all get lonely sometimes.

just... _ewwww,_ where's that mop even _been_.

— _kil_

**26 COMMENTS:  
**_anonymous _says: mops have feelings too  
_25 more comments_

_reply?  
_**yes **no

_killovescakes11_ says: just bc you're under anon doesn't mean i can't hear you talking to your mop in the hallway _seriously_ man it's creepy

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.

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**5:24 PM**

Shiny eyes is in my bed because I dunno where he puts his keys. I dunno man, but I'm hungry and he saved my ass, so maybe I should buy us some cake or something.

_Mmmm_, cake.

**5:26 PM**

Leorio barges inside and he's probably drunk again and TCH HOW THE HELL IS HE A NURSE AGAIN. We'll never know.

Blondie's following him and I _would _and _could_ yell at him, but he's the guy holding the cake and I mean... yeah.

Cake, man.

**5:30 PM**

I'm scarfing down the cake (oops forgot about shiny eyes) when Blondie (his name escapes me err) points out the lump under my sheets.

"GON?!"

What the hell is a _GON?_

.

.

.

**NOTES:**

\- find out names right away instead of having  
\- suspicious blondes you don't know point at them  
\- and shout their name  
\- methinks this is suspicious  
\- methinks methinks is a funny word  
\- heh

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password: ***************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost blog **tweet** status

** ilovekidsbutts** YOU ARE INDIRECTLY KILLING SOMEBODY ASSHOLE

.

.

.

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**11 MAY  
**_wtf is leorio's ringtone tswift?_

Leorio and Kurapika (but tbh he's really _KIRA_pika because he sparkles so damn much) ARE STILL HERE.  
Blondie's a bit of a wet blanket but it's okay since he bought cake.

Shiny eyes (his name escapes me I gotta write this stuff down) still hasn't woken up?

_ISN'T THAT BAD?  
_

— _kil_

**3 COMMENTS**

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

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**11 MAY  
**_what if he died in my bed THAT WOULD SUCK_

LEORIO _YOU FOOL_ YOU'RE A NURSE DO SOMETHING

— _kil_

**14 COMMENTS**

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

.

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**11 MAY  
**_he's like an old man_

LEORIO STOP SNORING GOOD _GOD_

— _kil_

**9 COMMENTS**

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

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.

**2:47 AM**

"— psst, psst, shiny eyes, _SHINY EYES_."

"Hnngh, _nooooooo_ Mito-_sannnn_, not yet..."

"NOT YET _MY ASS_ YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP SINCE— mmph."

**2:48 AM**

"..."

**2:49 AM**

_"— MMMPHHH?!"_

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**11 MAY  
**_MY VIRGIN LIPS THIS IS LIKE UNCOOL?_

I JUST GOT KISSED BY A DUDE AND HE TUGGED ON MY HANDS AND MY LIPS SMACKED ONTO HIS AND HE'S ON MY BED STILL AND HIS NAME STILL ESCAPES ME AND HE HAD _SOFT LIPS_

_FUCK_

— _kil_

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.

.

**BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!**

"_Killua here, leave a message. Unless you're mom or Illumi or _GOD FORBID_, Hisoka, then just… leave." _

"— _Kiiiiiiiil_, my brother senses are tingling..."

**CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED—!**

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- he's a niCE GUY AND I WANNA BE FRIENDS BUT  
\- HOW DO YOU TALK TO A GUY WHO KISSED YOU _HUH_

.

.

.

**TO: **kil  
**FROM: **_unknown number_  
**SUBJECT: **hi!  
i would have thanked you in person,  
but you were gone in the morning!  
thanks for last night though!  
kurapika gave me your number  
let's get along!  
btw, i'm gon. :-D

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- FUUUUCK  
\- TIME TO PUT THIS GAY ASS BLOG TO USE

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**12 MAY  
**_seriously leorio shut up w/ the twsift_

world, we have a problem  
im having _girl_ issues

— _kil_

**68 COMMENTS:  
**_netero _says: how the hell're you having girl problems you go to an all dude's school  
_leorio _says: your blog's getting gayer by the minute  
_66 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

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.

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**NOTES:  
**\- FUCK I FORGOT WE HAVE NO GIRLS AT OUR SCHOOL  
\- _FUCK LKAJSDKF  
__\- _DOES THIS MAKE ME GAY?

.

.

.

_edit_ _contact?_  
**yes** no

_change _unknown number _to?  
_**NAME:** GUY THAT'S MAKING ME _QUESTION_ MY _SEXUALITY_

_save changes?_  
yes **no**

_change _unknown number _to?_  
**NAME: **gon

**TO: **gon  
**FROM: **kil  
**SUBJECT: **re:RE: hi!  
hey man BTW YOU KISSED ME  
LAST  
NIGHT  
WTF WITH THAT

_are you sure you wish to delete this message?  
_**yes** no

**TO: **gon  
**FROM: **kil  
**SUBJECT: **re:RE: hi!  
hey, gon, no prob.  
and yeah man, hope we  
get along! :-)  
i'm killua.

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**12 MAY  
**_i'll just blow this off  
_

i _really_ hope i'm not gay  
it'd be _really _hard to get away w/  
chasing dicks at an all guys school,  
ya feel?

— _kil_

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.

.

**TBC.**

* * *

cue kil's slow descent into teen!girl crisis.  
&amp; BTW HAPPY BDAY GON _BBY,  
ILOVEYOU_

commentary is appreciated; if you have any criticism, i'd be glad to hear it.  
grammar might be a pretty lax on this story since it _is _oriented on sites in which grammar practically has no rules, but anyway...  
criticisms? ooc-ness (probs an issue as well...)? tell me it all! :-P

thanks for reading!

**xxx.**


	2. we're a lil too lazy for a title

**TITLE:** get a life  
**GENRE:** humor, romance, friendship  
**RATING: **we are sticking to t, no matter how many orgies may occur  
**WORD COUNT:** 3139 or something who knows?  
**NOTE: **i find writing this story oddly therapeutic; im rly not a (super) pottymouth irl but kil is teehee  
&amp; yes kil is writing about his potential homosexual tendencies thru his blog, but it may start to veer :-P  
this is not meant in any way AT ALL to be offending if it is im very sorry cry  
&amp; btw u guys ROCK &amp; r all super sweet thank you very much for the nice reviews /  
u guys make my heart go dokidoki  
sorry i take so long here have a bunch of hxh charas basically being weird in an academy seTTING THATS BASICALLY WHAT THIS IS HAHAHAH

* * *

"— ugh, I want _cakeeeeee_."

"... how are you not obese again?"

(The "sounding like a girl" part is heavily implied.)

.

.

_(hey you...)_

can you, like, _please_

**"G E T"**

_a_

**L**

**I**

**F**

**E**

**?**

.

.

(psh, as if— _stupid_.)

.

.

_;-P_

**ii. we're a lil too lazy for a title round here**

**BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!**

"— hello, I fucking—"

"WAKE UP CALL COURTESY A LA _PRINCIPAL_ NETERO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND _DON'T_ HIDE IN LEORIO'S OFFICE. GOOD MORNING, AND HAVE A SUPER SUNNY DAY!"

"... sigh."

**CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED. CALL ENDED—!**

.

.

.

**10:23 AM**

I hate school buRN IT WITH FIRE

**10:24 AM**

Can't even focus right now. I'm just gonna—

Hahahaha, look at that one kid and his funny spiky hair.

**10:25 AM**

OMFG IS THAT SHINY EYES AWH FUCK NAH

.

**10:26 AM**

Hahahaha, but there's no way.  
Like… _no_ _way_.

**10:27 AM**

WAIT... FUCK—?!

.

.

.

**WELCOME TO GMAIL:  
**

**username:** killoveschoco11  
**password:** ***************

.

_you have one new message!_

_would you like to read?  
_**yes **no

.

Dear KilLovesCakes11,

Your quiz results read that you are probably straight. You're kind of an idiot for even taking this test! No, seriously, why the hell would you take this test, you ain't even gay.

That's kinda boring.

**Much Love!**

— the you'reprobablygaybutit'sok Team

PS. Even our Team Name is irrelevant to your life. Basically, fuck you.

PPS. BTW YOUR USERNAME IS GAY NO MATTER HOW STRAIGHT YOU ARE, ASS

FUCKING KILLOVESCAKES11

Have a super sunny day! :-D

.

.

.

**10:35 AM**

I'M STRAIGHT AND A BOOB CHASER AND THEN INTERNAL CELEBRATION (but damn that website is not nice ouch) AND THEN Bodick took my phone… cry.

It's okay since it's not like shiny eyes can come near me right now. I think.

I think we're still having class, but I wouldn't really… know. (Smiley face.)

I dunno man, but Bodick-sensei (dick _intended_) took my phone, and yes, this statement _must_ _be_ _repeated_, for my phone is my life. Frowny face here.

But good _God_, I didn't know shiny eyes was in my class.  
HELL, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS IN MY YEAR?  
I ALMOST HAD A HEARTATTACK?

It's too early for this mess.

**11:12 AM**

Hahaha partner work. You _know_, if this was a shoujo manga—

**11:13 AM**

— WTF MY LIFE IS A SHOUJO MANGA I'M WITH SHINY EYES

I'M EITHER FUCKED OR NAH

GODDAMMIT BODICK SENSEI DICK ALWAYS INTENDED

THIS IS... AWK HOW DO I REJECT HIM HE _KISSED_ ME UM?

**11:14 AM**

I'm slamming my head against my desk right now.  
_Repeatedly._

.

**11:15 AM**

I stole my phone back from Bodick-sensei.

I'm substantially more okay.

**11:16 AM**

LOL JUST KIDDING _GODDAMMIT_ SHINY EYES

**11:17 AM**

... literally dead inside.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- hoW DO I EVEN  
\- look up gAY THERAPY BOOKS?  
\- is that what im supposed to look at?  
\- ask blondie/kirapika  
\- decide which nickname is better  
\- blondie is a girl tbh  
\- is he gay idk leorio _really_ digs boobs tho  
\- THE TIME FOR _HIM_ TO  
\- DRAW  
\- NEARER IS COMING  
\- MY ETERNAL DOOM IS _COMIN_

.

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** im at a crisis  
if i die today, i want you  
to neveR  
let hisoka near my boxer drawer  
E VER

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT**: awk  
kil he raided that shit  
like  
three months ago oOps did i  
NOT TELL U OK BYE DONT KILL ME

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**14 MAY  
**_fUCK AJDJCNJSKE?!_

HISOKA GIVE ME

BACK MY

DAMN BOXERS WTF

— _kil_

**53 COMMENTS:  
**_onii-chan_ says: hiSOKAAAAAA  
_ilovekidsbutts_ says: it's pretty cute how you have cake boxers tbh  
_52 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

_reply?  
_**yes** no

_killovescakes11_ says: FUCK U

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.

.

**11:45 AM**

Shiny eyes came over to my desk for our group project. I wanna say it was awkward because I made it so dramatic and epic, AND I MEAN, if MY LIFE _WAS_ A SHOUJO MANGA, it would be.

And you know, these past few weeks it's been playing out that way. I should stop letting Alluka getting me hooked into her damn series, it's starting to destroy my manliness.

But goddammit, _MAMURA_, and _SUZUME_ AND _SENSEI_ HOW CAN YOU NOT?

… GODDAMMIT.

**11:46 AM**

I'm hungry uGH I HATE SCHOOL and shiny eyes takes projects seriously so he's talking about it but—

— yeah, but I'm hungry hungry and cannot function (plus I hate school and him right now.)

**11:47 AM**

Shiny eyes just gave me banana bread?  
I _HATE_ BANANAS but this bread is orgasmic what _is_ this nonsense.

.

.

**12:24 PM**

Shiny eyes is a funny kid. He doesn't use his phone?  
HE DIDN'T OWN ONE UNTIL _TWO_ _MONTHS_ AGO?

That shit's just primal, man.

It took him like fifteen minutes to type that one text he sent me, hahaha, oh shiny eyes.

**12:25 PM**

Good kid, that shiny eyes.

**12:27 PM**

Why do I feel as if I'm forgetting something important?

.

**12:29 PM**

Who the hell even cares I'm going to go steal Leorio's bento.  
He has homemade bento these days? Where does he get this stuff from? He won't tell me, and… it kinda sucks.

Mostly because _I_ WANT FREE NICE BENTOS TOO.

I mean, Mom could always do it but...

_Shudders_.

.

.

**1:34 PM**

FUCK, WAIT ONE SECOND (or hour _goddammit_ me) SHINY EYES WASN'T AWKWARD?!

**1:35 PM**

WAIT A MINUTE—

**1:36 PM**

DID THAT BITCH FORGET HE KISSED ME?

**1:37 PM**

_AHSJDNFNSKKELDSHSK?!_

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**14 MAY  
**_wait oNE DUCKING SECOND_

Shizuka-sensei said that I need to type the blog posts with proper grammaR  
BUT FUCK THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW  
wtF IS GRAMMAR

SHINY EYES FORGOT HE _RIPPED_ MY FIRST KISS FROM ME LIKE HARDER THAN WELL... you know, _YOU_ _KNOW  
_WTF  
YOU DON'T _FORGET_ THAT KIND OF STUFF

bc when they do that iN SHOUJO MANGA SHIT HITS THE FAN

not that i read that stuff...

yeah.  
sweats nervously.

— _kil_

.

.

**14 MAY  
**_well okay maybe a little_

but _c'MON_ I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO ENDS UP WITH EACH OTHER  
LIKE HOLy shouJO

and nobody steals kisses in _THERE  
_GODDAMMIT

ok they do… but

god this is never going to be published publicly  
_EVER_

— _kil_

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- boys suck  
\- boys suck dick  
\- jk i'm a boy  
\- im possibly gay  
\- fuck  
\- but that email _saID_

.

.

**username: **killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:**  
textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**15 MAY  
**_yeh yeh yeh_

but for the record future me _and_ future therapist— bc this will scrEW ME UP IN THE HEAD  
it's not like I have anything against gays

but it's juST… I'VE ALWAYS BEEN STRAIGHT  
although I've never really liked a girl i guess  
because you know  
_GIRLS_

they're like _ALLUKA_ and ALLUKA is my _sister_ and  
she's a lil psycho in the head.  
_cute, _but totally psycho.

WAIT, DO YOU THINK THIS MEANS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN GAY, THERAPIST?

can you even turn gay or… is this a lifestyle choice?  
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

... but that email says I'm straight

ugh I just need ice cream therapy or frozen watermelon  
&amp; don't _give_ _me_ _that_ _look_ therapist it tastes good

TBH _I DONT EVEN HAVE_ A THERAPIST  
I'm just stressed and talking to myself  
I'm hella gonna need a therapist

it'd suck so much if I wrote all this and nobody reads it like wow  
waste of my thoughTFUL CAPITALIZATIONS AND VIVID JOURNEY INTO GAYDOM MUCH?

— _kil_

.

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
****TWITTER:** killovescakes11 stop screaming, gtfo, and eat

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**15 MAY  
**_screams silently_

DOES THIS MAKE ME LIKE HISOKA

_FUCK_

— _kil_

**19 COMMENTS:  
**_leorio_ says: W HAT  
_leorio_ says: WE C ANNOT BE FRIENDS ANYMORE  
_leorio_ says: W HAT ARE YOU SAYING  
_leorio_ says: D UDE  
_ilovekidsbutts_ says: hehehehehehheheehehee  
_15 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- i thought i was on p rivATE  
\- dying  
\- dead  
\- oops  
\- my mom's gonna call in 3... 2... 1

.

.

.

**BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ—!**

_"Kil here, leave a message... and no, Mom, I don't want to take over 'the business' PLEASE STOP ASKING_ BYE_."_

"But _Kiiiiiiiiiiiillu_, I just— Mama just wants you to come home so she can touch you lovingly and, you're just _such_ a genius with the knife, and Hisoka-chan would _love_ to take you on—"

**DELETE MESSAGE?  
****yes** no

**ARE YOU SURE?  
****yes** no

.

.

.

**2:47 PM**

I should probably stop skipping Bodick's lessons, but he's such a fucking weird guy that I can't help it.

It's just.  
Yeah.

.

**2:56 PM**

"— aren't you gonna have like, attendance issues?"

I glance over at Leorio as he stares back at me, squinty eyes and all. I squint back.

"No," I say slowly (because he's an idiot).

**2:57 PM**

"— by the way, write me a doctor's note."

"... ARE YOU JUST _USING_ ME?!"

"... no."

.

**3:01 PM**

After several minutes of persuading Leorio that no, I _do_ appreciate him and all his fugly middle aged-ness, Shizuku (the psycho lady with the boobs and "i'll eat your babies") slammed the door open.

"— LEORIO, ARE MY THIGHS BIG?"

_IS THIS WHAT TEACHERS USUALLY DO?_

**3:02 PM**

Leorio's sweating a lot. It's kinda... gross.

**3:03 PM**

Shizuku-sensei is one scary ass mother fucker.

LIKE _H O L Y_ SHIT.

She looks _pissed_.  
At Leorio, I mean. I'm just an innocent bystander.

Plus, there'd be lawsuits if she attacked me.

**3:04 PM**

"... um, no?"

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- leorio is _useleSS  
_\- shizukU-sensei BODY SLAMMED HIM H _OLY  
_\- lololOLOLOL  
\- "WHY'D YOU WAIT SO MANY DAMN MINUTES"  
\- "FUCK YOU FUCKING 50 YR OLD"  
\- shizu sensei so cray tbh  
\- AND FUCKING SCARY _WOW_ THAT WAS ONE BADASS KICK  
\- women my g od

.

.

.

**3:24 PM**

"— oh, so you were just properly observing them," Shizuku-sensei murmurs thoughtfully. Her eyes quickly shift towards her (slim— _SHE CAN SMELL FEAR_) thighs. Leorio's face is smashed in as he nods quickly and looks terrified.

I'm horrified because women, _my god._  
They're like super mutants, I swear on my life.

**3:25 PM**

"But they better be damn skinny, or I'll shove your fucking thermometer up your ass," insert smiley face here.

Leorio screams.

**3:26 PM**

"— LEORIO, YOU'RE _DISTURBING_ THE ENTIRE..."

OH MY—  
OH MY G _OD_ LEORIO HAS THE SHITTIEST LUCK.

**3:28 PM**

You know, in Leorio's defense, when Blondie slams the door open, Leorio isn't even checking Shizuku-sensei out as she puts him into the Boston crabhold (WHICH INVOLVES SKINSHIP).

It just looks... _kinky_.

And wow, Blondie hasn't even moved, AWKWARD AWKWARD _AWKO_ _TACO_.

**3:29 PM**

"— oh Kurapika, what're you doing just standing in the doorway...?"

OH MY _G OD _IS THAT SHINY EYES.  
CAN'T BE… RIGHT.

**3:32 PM**

... basically ded

.

**4:04 PM**

... I think I just heard Leorio's bone crack.  
Cue screams of terror.

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**17 MAY  
**_the only words i can say  
__are oh my g od bc oh my g od_

hahahahahahhahahahaa laughs hysterically

I'm either eternally scarred or just traumatized or...  
it's just seriously funny.  
im banking on it being just fucking hilarious.

bASICALLY, leo got his ass kicked by two girls (Blondie questionablE). AND ME AND SHINY EYES BONDED BECAUSE _ROUND_ _TWO_ OF TRAUMA  
we got to go the hospital with everybody because shiny eyes passed out again and Leo was in, _yanno_, pain

and we got to see his hospital record I'm still dying

_girl 1:_ "YOU'RE UNDER 50  
_girl(/boy... thing):_ "WHAT THE HELL"  
_me:_ lol  
_leo:_ SCREAMS OF PAIN  
_girl1&amp;2:_ SCREAMS OF HORROR

and then they fought in the hospital idk why

I mean I would've helped but like...  
shudders.  
_women_.

(blondie still questionable)

— _kil_

**47 COMMENTS:  
**_leorio_ says: ow  
_shizuku-sensei_ says: ^fucker  
_kirapika_ says: ^^asshoLE  
_netero_ says: ... but we're an all dudes school  
_43 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

_reply?  
_**yes** no

_killovescakes11_ says: clearly _YOU_ haven't seen blondie yet, eh, netero?

.

**18 MAY  
**_i hearin da 1d_

TURN IT OFF GODDAMMIT MY BRAIN IS MELTING

— _kil_

.

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**19 MAY  
**_&amp; i'll tell my kids about it  
__they'll probs call me gay_

i'm gonna do some recon on this shiny eyes guy  
BC HE FORGOT, PRETTY MUCH  
his banana bread is still fucking awesome though oh my

i mean _pshhH_, not like I CARE that he forgot alright?!  
like i'll just bury it deep, deep into my questionably homosexual past.

I MEAN I— I LIKE GIRLS. HE JUST— LIPS  
NVM  
I HATE MYSELF

even so...

_shudders_. w omen though— shizuku-sensei is one scary as shit lady  
and then there's bisky but...

caN'T _EVEN_

— _kil_

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- JUST GOT THE NOTIFICATION  
\- MY 'NET BILL IS IN MY MAILBOX  
\- OH MY _G OD_

.

.

.

**2:36 AM**

Why, you might ask, am I awake at half past two in the morning?

It's because I'm a fierce night owl who prowls in the dead of night. _BAM_ _DIGGITY_.

I'm a little tipsy, okay.  
… back off.

**2:37 AM**

Just kidding.

Leorio and Netero are just assholes who mooch off my high speed internet and play RPGs the _entire damn_ night.  
THEY NEED TO GET OUTTA MY ROOM AND GET A HELLUVA LIFE.

("_HYPOCRISY_!"  
"SHUT UP AND _GET_ _OUT_.")

**2:39 AM**

I need to check my mail (AKA: INTERNET BILL).

**2:41 AM**

Damn, this hallway is creepy at night.  
I feel like Hisoka is everywhere I turn.

.

**2:43 AM**

Just kidding, I can hear Leorio and Netero being dorks two floors down.

**2:45 AM**

"SHUT THE _FUCK_ _UP_!"

THERE GOES SHIZUKU-SENSEI ROUND TWO I'M DYING.

.

**2:55 AM**

I SEE MY MAILBOX, BANZAI!

Thank god, I was beginning to think Hisoka would pounce on me or something.  
IT'S _REALLY _SCARY AT NIGHT, OKAY?  
I CAN FEEL THE JUDGEMENT FROM MILES AWAY.

**2:56 AM**

In retrospect, I _really_ shoulda bought Leorio as bait.

Not like he could run.

**2:57 AM**

(Shizuku-sensei and Blondie broke his _butt_.)

.

**2:58 AM**

— _HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA DYING OW MY HEART OH MY G OD_

He has an inflatable _butt riNG_ FOR WHEN HE SITS DOWN I CAN'T EVEN _THINK_ _COHERENTLY_ RIGHT NOW TBH I'M SORRY  
CAN'T EVEN THINK W/O SHORTENING OH MY G OD

.

**2:59 AM**

Ahem, mail. _Right_.

.

**3:03 AM**

ALLUKA HAS _GOTTA_ STOP SENDING ME HER SHOUJO MAGS…

**3:04 AM**

Screech, _Hirunaka no Ryuusei_ update. Oh no.

I don't even _wanna_ look, MY LIFE.

**3:05 AM**

YEEEEEEEES, _JUMP_ CAME IN. _FINALLY_.

Still waiting on Togashi though cry, cry, cry. Damn man makes us wait for too long, LIFE IS CRUEL.

**3:06 AM**

_By the way,_ it's _totally_ socially acceptable for a boy of my age to read these things.

Lay off, poop face.  
Sorry, I'm so drunk I can't even insult right sdfghjj.

.

**3:07 AM**

"Ah, it's the bill—"

**3:08 AM**

"..."

**3:10 AM**

Cue long girly— _MANLY—_ scream here because I FUCKING CAN'T

**3:11 AM**

OH MY, SO MUCH MONEY  
AND OH MY, SO BROKE

.

**3:14 AM**

"... Killua?"

SHINY EYES, THIS IS _HARDLY_ THE TIME FOR ALL YOUR SHOUJO COINCIDENTALS.  
JUST— _REALLY_.

WHO THE HELL WAKES UP NOW (NOT INCLUDING ME... OR LEORIO... OR NETERO... OR SHIZUKU-SENSEI BECAUSE SHE CAN SMELL FEAR)

.

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- catch internet hijacker  
\- priority: _100_%  
\- can't even eat rn bc _stress  
_\- yeah shiny eyes im talkin bout you buddy  
\- HE'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME RN AYYYYY  
\- ... all of this comes after shoujo _I MEAN SHOUNEN  
_\- godaMMIT  
\- togashi _iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_

.

.

.

**3:26 AM**

Shiny eyes literally just fell asleep standing up.  
IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

HELL, I'M DRUNK— I mean tipsy— AND I CAN'T EVEN PULL THAT OFF.

**3:27 AM**

"... oi, Gon."

.

**3:29 AM**

Am I the only one getting déjà vu here or nah?

... it's the drink. I'll blame it on the drink.

**3:31 AM**

"Oi... you're getting a little too..."

**3:32 AM**

"YOU _DARE_ TO LEAN UPON THE FIERCE NIGHT OWL?!"

**3:33 AM**

"SHINY EYES— I MEAN GON, I SWEAR IF YOU EVEN _TRY_ TO SMACK ONE ON ME AGAIN—"

.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**19 MAY  
**_asjIiwkmdkWIDNNXOALA;;;;_

FUCK _WHY IS HE ON ME_

— _kil_

**32 COMMENTS:  
**_onii-chan_ says: WHO WHO WHO WHO W HO I'LL KILL HIM  
_ilovekidsbutts _says: sounds sexual... can i—?  
_31 more comments_

_would you like to read?_  
yes **no**

_reply?  
_**yes** no

_killovescakes11_ says: _N O NEVER EVER _EVER

.

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** omfg  
SAVE ME

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT:** re:RE: omfg  
Hehehhehehehehee  
ehjdkakwi  
slkoxnwkwosozk  
buttcrack

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** re:RE:re: omfg  
Y R U SO WASTED I'M GONNA  
BEAT UP  
YOUR ASS  
BROKEN ASS REGARDLESS  
oH MY G OD

.

.

.

**3:46 AM**

I have to lug shiny eyes' stupid ass back to his room.  
Ugh, life.

I _better_ get some serious banana bread after this, or I'm going apeshit cray on _everybody's_ ass (not including Shizuku-sensei, I would _die_.)

_Deuces,_ Fierce Night Owl out.

.

.

.

**3:54 AM**

"WHERE THE HELL'RE YOUR KEYS?!"

"Mmm, _nooooooooooo_."

"NO MY FUCKING_ ASS,_ I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE YOU OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR YOU, _YOU_—!"

.

.

.

**TBC.**

* * *

this is probably badly edited i'm _so sorry  
_this may go slow. i take _forever _w/ updates oh my  
but you guys are seriously sweethearts omfg

**refs:**  
_hirunaka no ryuusei—_ a sweet shoujo manga but very frustrating  
_jump— _what hxh is serialized in  
togashi— the man that currently controls my life aka tHE INFURIATING AUTHOR OF HxH  
TWO YEARS, TOGASHI— TWO YEARS

sorry if this story is weird  
sorry if i'm weird  
i have an awful sense of humor tbh lol

them shoujo refs are for you, _songs  
_WINKS  
literally laughing my ass off already oh my g od

**xxx.**


	3. ain't got nothing on us (one)

**TITLE:** get a life  
**GENRE:** humor, romance, friendship  
**RATING:** we are sticking to t, no matter how many orgies may occur  
**WORD COUNT:** 1989 or something  
**NOTE:** I MIGHT CHANGE TO M BC THE AMT OF BAD WORDS IN HERE L-LOL  
thiS STORY IS LIT HELL TO FORMAT  
_HELL_ no seriously it takes hours my gosh  
CHOKES YOU GUYS ARE WAY TOO NICE TO ME holy geez  
and btw, kurapika is so hot not even ashamed bye

SQUEES BC HxH HAS BEEN CONTINUING SO HAPPIIIIIII  
my aim is to update… before this month is over… sorry it's so short I DON'T EVEN LIKE THIS CHAPTER INTENSE SHOULDER SHRUGS  
this is… an arc… maybe  
or maybe i'm too lazy for chapter names UM

* * *

"— OH MY FUCKING _HELL_, SHINY EYES, WHY'RE YOU SO DUCKING _HEAVY_."

.

.

_(hey you...)_

can you, like, _please_

"**G E T"**

_a_

**L**

**I**

**F**

**E**

**?**

.

.

(psh, as if— _stupid._)

.

.

_;-P_

**iii. the badasses may own the place, but they ain't got nothin' on us  
**_part one._

**WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT THE  
FUCKING TIME IS ANYMORE BUT IT'S  
FUCKING EARLY MORNING (AM)**

So, shiny eyes is fucking asleep and _I'm _over here working my ass off fishing around for his keys and I look like I'm attempting rape on _his_ ass and IT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR MY DELICATE HEART.

(Somebody stab me.)

(I'M KIDDING SHIZU-SENSEI PLEASE DON'T.)

I'm just about to yell at shiny eyes BECAUSE HE'S A SNORING BASTARD until I remember Shizuku-sensei has hawk ears (do they have ears actually like _what the hell_) and broke Leorio's butt— AKA, I don't want my ass kicked.  
Not that it would be kicked.

… maybe.

.

**WHY AM I STILL AWAKE SO  
ANGRY RNOW (AM)**

"Gon," I hiss, shaking his stupid ass self (SO PISSED RIGHT NOW IT'S TOO EARLY-LATE-_WHOTHEHELLKNOWS_ FOR THIS SHIT), "where the fuck're your keys?!"

Shiny eyes (_AKA_ Gon, _AKA_ the bastard that fell asleep standing up, _AKA_ the little shit that kissed me, _AKA_ wake the hELL UP ALREADY) opens a single eye tiredly and did—

— did that bitch just _sigh_ at me?!

("OH NO HE DI'INT" not included because first of all, that'd be _so_ juvenile, and second of all, THAT'D BE A — GIRL... LIKE... THING.)  
(AND I! AM! _NOT_! A! GIRL!)

.

**BUT STILL (AM)**

"OH NO YOU_ DI'INT, _BITCH."

… it slipped out.  
Don't look at me with your accusing eyes!

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- a sleepy shiny eyes  
\- is _S UCH  
_\- a fucking  
\- _drama_ _queen  
_\- bitch  
\- THING  
\- WHEN, YOU KNOW, SLEEPY  
\- SCREECHES uncontrollably

.

.

**NOTES2:  
**\- there's no way im letting  
\- him h IM  
\- in my room  
\- NO W AY  
\- wow don't _give_ me that look  
\- Last tIME HE CRASHED IN HERE  
\- HE SMACKEd onE ON ME  
\- ?!11?!1!1?  
\- NO. NO. NO NO _NONONO_

.

.

**NOTES3:  
**\- this is my CHASTITY WE'RE PROTECTING

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** FUCJ  
LET ME THE FUCK INSIDE  
I HAVE BAGGAGE  
I HATE MYSELF

.

**TO:** kil  
**FROM:** ass  
**SUBJECT:** re:RE: FUCJ  
drunk hangover sex  
kurapika

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** re:RE:re: FUCJ  
I I HAVE TIME FOR YOUR  
WHAT THE HELL IS IT—  
_PROBLEMS_?!  
R NOW I WANT IN RN R NOW  
so salt

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**19 MAY  
**_fruit cups in my room_

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO HANDLE LIFE IF _LEORIO,  
_THE _BOOB_ LOVER,  
COMES OUT ON ME ON HIS NEW SEXUALITY I HAVE ENOUGH  
PROBLEMS ON MY OWN WITHOUT HIS Bye

FLIES INTO THE FUCKING SUN

— _kil_

.

.

**SETTINGS:  
****public** private

**19 MAY  
**_fuCK_

100% done with my life

SKIPPING SCHOOL

I HATE ALL OF YOU  
DYE  
_DYEEEE_

fuCK autocORRECT

— kil

**6 COMMENTS:  
**_leorio _says: hehehehe  
_netero _says: briNG US MORE BOOZE  
_4 more comments_

_would you like to read?  
_yes **no**

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM:** kil  
**SUBJECT:** prepare for death  
I CAN HEAR YOU AND NETERO'S LOUD ASSES SNORING THROUGH THE DOOR  
I S2G I'M CUTTING OFF BOTH OF YOUR DICKS  
SO FUCKING A NGRY  
I WANT TO SLEEP

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
**_KAKAO_—  
"_shizu"_ would like to chat w/ you.

.

_accept?  
_**yes** no

.

_read message?  
_**yes** no

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- HOLY SCARED

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
**_KAKAO—  
__shizu_: shut the fuck up before I ram  
_leoriofuckingmiddleagedmanthat'ssomehowyoungerthanme  
_UP YOUR ASS

.

.

**NOTES2:  
**\- I DIDN'T EVEN TALK  
\- OMFG  
\- can't even reply rn

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
**_KAKAO—  
__shizu:_ I can smell fear

.

.

**NOTES3:  
**\- I! _KNEW_! IT!  
\- brb _crying  
_\- tbh this would be so funny  
\- but it's me so  
\- signif less funny

.

.

**FUCKING LATE  
seriously skipping school (AM)**

So me and shiny eyes might have to tough it out in a creepy hallway with _NO WAY OF SURVIVING THE NIGHT_ because Hisoka (_AKA_ the pedophile butt molester, _AKA_ my OWN B ROTHER'S _BEST_ _FRIEND_ like _wow, _srsly Illumi) makes his rounds early, and it seems his absolute _favorites_ this year are me and shiny eyes respectively.  
(YAYYYYYYYYYY_yyyyyyyyyyyyyyY._)

We are a flipping _FEAST_ in a dark hallway and I don't even know the time because my eyelids want to glue themselves closed and I'M SO _STRESSED_ RIGHT NOW.

I'm also hella tired, okay?!

"_Mmmmm_," shiny eyes moans, and I kind of want to throw his head against the wall because he's just being a dumbnutt, even though _I_ should've bought my keys too (BUT _WTF_, NETERO AND LEORIO ARE IN THERE). I tug on my bangs irritably and (_attempt to_) punch his arm awake.

He _drools_.  
HE FUCKING _DROOLS_ ON ME.

I'm two hundred and ten percent upset with the world as I drag shiny eyes' and his stupid lunk-ass towards the chairman's office where Hisoka _might _not _look._  
_MIGHT._  
_I_ think he can smell us, I dunno.

_Anyway, _I, for one, am _not_ getting attacked by Hisoka tomorrow— today(?)— WHATEVER— and if I have to break a damn window to get inside a place with some pepper spray and staples to defend myself, I _will_ break.

A.

Damn.

_Window_.

BUT TBH, THIS _SO _WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF PREDATOR HISOKA WASN'T ON THE LOOSE  
(_AKA_, NETERO YOU ARE A DUMBASS  
JUST HIRING HIM BC HE WON'T AIM FOR _YOUR _OLD ASS AND HE'S CHEAP.)

.

**GIVING UP ON LIFE (AM)**

"Oi, Gon, wake up before I shove a pole up your butt," I hiss as I chuck a five hour energy bar into his mouth. Shiny eyes, being very annoying and altogether unbearable to deal with early in the morning— AND MAYBE ALWAYS, THIS FIRST KISS STEALER— (I'M OVER IT STOP _JUDGING ME_), spits it out.

I bite his neck _IN ANGER_— EW NOT _THAT_ WAY WE'RE ALL STILL A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT THAT SITUATION YA NASTIES— and his eyes fly open.

"AIEEEE, VAMPIRE_EEEEEEEEEEEEE_—!" he yells, panting, his copper eyes wide and crazy and FUCK, HE'S SO DAMN LOUD.  
IT'S GIVING ME A HEADACHE UGH—

"— AWH _SHUT THE HELL UP_, THIS AIN'T TWILIGHT," I snap with an upward smack to his jaw, and then I drag him towards the office. SO STRESSED RIGHT NOW and my phone's beeping like crazy and we _all_ know who's messaging me rnow.

This school year kinda sucks.  
… cries a thousand tears.

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
**_KAKAO—  
__shizu:_ bout to twist your ass in ways you didn't even know _existed  
_:-D

.

.

(CUE INTERNAL _SOBBING_.)

.

.

**TO:** ass  
**FROM: **kil  
**SUBJECT:** SHIZU  
if my funeral isn't damn nice, im coming back  
from the pits of hell and UTTERLY  
DESTROYING  
YOU

.

.

**EITHER A GENIUS OR NAH  
i need coffee (AM)**

But Hisoka would definitely go into the chairman's office anyway right? Because he's psycho and GOD, ILLUMI, MAKE BETTER DECISIONS.  
Plus, he can smell us.

Probably.  
HE HAS AN INTERNAL RADAR FOR US, I S2G.  
smell of fear vs. smell of us—  
who will win?

_i… don't know._

There's only one choice in the end, AND IT AIN'T PRETTY

There's only _one_ _place_ Hisoka _probably_ wouldn't look, unless he's a masochist AND MY HEART IS GIVING OUT BECAUSE OF ALL THE SHUDDERS  
BECAUSE EVEN HISOKA'S A LIL… TENSE… AROUND HER  
BC OF PAST HISTORY (laughING SO HARD O H MY GOD)  
(they used to be in a street gang together omfg i ow my stomach)

I _MEAN_  
_and_ our scents will be covered by ALL HER PAST CONQUESTS FOR BLOOD  
AND BUTT BREAKING

THIS IS TERRIFYING  
THE _NUMBER_ _ONE_ THING YOU DON'T DO  
AND

NETERO BETTER LEMME SKIP CLASS WHENEVER I HELLA WANT GOODBYE  
SO LUCKY I AIN'T BREAKING ANOTHER ONE OF HIS DAMN WINDOWS

.

**cry cry rararaaa (AM)**

But if I do this, my mom's gonna be _way_ too happy, and she gets _significantly_ more creepy when happy.

Like, _ew_.  
Like, _ew_ she wants to eat me or something, ew.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**19 MAY  
**_srs stuff_

My family initiator is HisokA I'M DOING _EXACTLY_ WHAT FAM WANTS nasty  
DON'T ASK  
I GET THE FEELING PEOPLE ARE READING (QUIT HACKING MY PRIVATE BLOG RANTS) BUT LET ME JUST TELL YOU _I'M_ A VERY NORM CHILD  
WITH NORM INTENTIONS AND STUFF

fam's diff though sigh  
ugh

WHY _HISOKA_ DAD  
HE TRIED TO KILL ME WHEN I WAS LIKE _TWO_ GOODBYE  
threw a wooden chair at me TESTING STRENGTH _MY ASS_

INITIATORS ARE GAY  
_LITERALLY_ IN HIS SITUATION

&amp; i pinky swore to my imaginary friend canary never again.  
P.S— … IMAG FRIENDS ARE LEGIT OK

— _kil_

.

.

**how to clear up the situation  
with an idiot (AM)**

"But Mito-_saaaaaaaan_,"

"Mito-saaaaaaaan nothing, you ASS!" I grab his shoulders and shake hard, and his still spiky green hair (WTH HE DOESN'T USE GEL FOR THAT NONSENSE?!) flops into his face. Shiny eyes looks disoriented (and like a lost puppy BUT _WHATEVER_ NEVERMIND I LIKE CATS BETTER HALF LYING), and he blinks.

"Kill... ua?"

MY INNER SHOUJO HEROINE THAT OCCUPIES A TINY CORNER OF MY HEART MUST SHRIVEL UP AND DIE—  
(CRY WHY IS SHE ALIVE STOP _SQUEALING_  
THIS IS NOT OK)

"NO TIME FOR THAT, DUMBASS. It's _god_ knows what time it is, and we're in the hallway... _alone._"

His thick skull _MIGHT_ GET THE SITUATION NOW, because his eyes widen slowly in horror and he's gaping like a fish, and we're gonna get butt raped, basically.

Here's the thing with Hisoka— he's not all that bad at his job. In fact, he's frighteningly good at it— if you get caught once, _you're gone.  
AKA, _you're so FUCKING TRAUMATIZED THAT YOU JUST LEAVE THE SCHOOL.  
RUMOR HAS IT he has a guard for his… you know _YOU KNOW._

As I contemplate the situation (okay, as I think about Hisoka and all of his just— _you know I can't even talk about it crying_), shiny eyes is just trying to digest it all and... why was he awake anyway?  
WHATEVER.  
IT DOESN'T MATTER RIGHT NOW, SINCE WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE.

Shiny eyes' head swings around for a bit, his eyebrows are furrowed, and—

"So... what do we do?" he whispers.

.

.

**ONE NEW NOTIFICATION!  
**_AMBER ALERT—  
_Hisoka has risen.  
**RED ALERT**, HISOKA HAS _RISEN_.  
Please remain inside until the sexual predator has returned to his chambers.

.

.

_GODDAMN IT_, NETERO, WHO THE HELL _DOESN'T_ FIRE A GUY WHO HAS HIS OWN GODDAMN AMBER ALERT?!

50000000% SALTY AT THIS SCHOOL RNOW.

.

.

**OFFERS SELF ON PLATTER  
we will probably die (AM)**

"— whaddya _mean_ we're breaking into Shizuku-sensei's room—?!"

.

.

**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP—!**

_"Hello, this is Netero's inbox ("VOICEMAIL, YOU DUMBASS—"), awesome kick-ass ("YOU'RE A FREAKING _DICK_—") chairman of the HxH Academy; please leave a message and there's a two percent chance I'll actually do my job! Beep!"_

"Hey Netero,"

.

.

"... _she's_ transferring in."

.

.

**chairman is an asshole  
that was too lazy to let  
kil in oh well (AM)**

Netero snorts_— _the Zoldycks are _such _drama queens.

"Let the games begin."

.

.

**TBC**

* * *

whOA you mean there's an actual possible (sub)plot ?!  
... there could be

_winks_

sorry i take forever i haven't had a comp bc of a trip i've been on so ;;;  
SO MANY THANKS FOR ALL THE NICE REVIEWS ALWAYS I DON'T— ?

have a swag swaggy day!

**xxx. **


	4. ain't got nothing on us (two)

**TITLE:** get a life (4)  
**GENRE:** humor, romance  
**WORD COUNT: **2200-ish?  
**NOTES:** i love writing this story more than u think _srsly _even though it's been…. 8ever  
im attempting to make the writing style less... hectic... yah LOL  
to the people who wondered what "salt" meant, it's something my church says and i somehow didn't realIZE NOBODY ELSE USES IT IM DUMB  
salt basically means "annoyed" but in a jokey way? idk how to describe sorry 4 being a dummy  
sorry this took 8ever ya know school is _kinda_ kicking my ass  
more like i'm failing HAHAHAHA go high school  
IM SRY IVE BEEN DED thanks for the mucho supporto

*proves everybody wrong by updating lol*

LONG CHAPTER THANKS FOR WAITING I HAVE ZERO SENSE OF HUMOR _BYE_

* * *

"— do you think we're gonna… like die?"

"Maybe sexually harassed. Not _dying. _I think. Hisoka's into some pretty kinky ass shit though."

.

.

_(hey you...)_

can you, like, please

**"G E T"**

_a_

**L**

**I**

**F**

**E**

**?**

.

.

(psh, as if— _stupid_.)

.

.

_;-P_

**iii. the badasses may own the place, but they ain't got nothin' on us  
****part two.**

**UNGODLY HOURS 1 (AM)**

This is a bad idea— it's also _MY_ bad idea, AKA crazy AKA stupid AKA we're all going to die and explode into pieces, but yeah.

"Are we _really_ going to do this?" shiny eyes whispers.

"It's strategy," I reply shortly. "You know, all the history and stuff— it's the only _slim_ possibility of not getting sexually harassed until morning."

And to be honest, I'd rather die by Shizu's hands than be rap— sexually harassed by Hisoka.

Shiny eyes'... er, eyes (lol, _grammar, _like who cares) draw a clear blank, and I feel like _RAMMING_ _HIS_ _FACE_ _IN_ but alas cannot due to A _CHILD_ _PREDATOR_ PROWLING A CAMPUS FULL OF UNDERAGE _STUDENTS _IN SEARCH OF PREY AKA _US_.

Ahem.

I frown as we take a pause in the (now fired) janitor's closet. Yanno, the one who made out with a mop and I made famous with my kick-ass potentially turning gay blog? That one.

Smiley face.

"You _know_," I hiss at shiny eyes as we stake out the area, "Shizu-sensei and Hisoka have history— bloody, fucked up history."

Shiny eyes stops as he tilts his head behind me. "Eh?"

I blanch, and no, it's not at his head tilt. Shut up.

Here's the thing— there's several things you _have to_ know in order to come to this school. I'm not saying it's because it's "super prestigious" or anything (because like _hell_ with teachers like Shizu and Hisoka), but it's like a "family" thing.

(PLUS, they're in the brochure. Dumb brochures.)

I mean, all the yaks and gangs hang round here. _Sorta_ wanna call it a reform school but people here are hella gifted, YES INCLUDING ME. Cue scoff.  
(Gym class is hell. _Hell. _Also why I skip class all the time.)

Basically, this school is hella dangerous if you dunno how to survive— I always knew shiny eyes was a lil, I guess, _naive_, but seriously, everybody around here at least knows how to wield a mop or some shit (AKA janitor); it's basically a necessity here.

I mean seriously— why else would you come to this fucked up school for brats?

.

.

**NOTES1:  
**\- shiny eyes is a weird kid  
\- i drOPPED MY  
\- SHOUJO MAGS _SOMewhERE  
_\- RLY hungry rn  
\- need one of 'em banana  
\- nut muffins  
\- this school is nutty too  
\- u c what i did there

.

.

**NOTES2:  
**\- I CAN LAUGH AT MY OWN JOKES  
\- it's a freedom of mine

.

.

**UNGODLY HOURS 2 (AM)**

"You really have no idea?" I ask suspiciously as I peek outside the door. "I mean— they avoid each other like oil and water during the day. Wherever Shizu-sensei is, Hisoka is on the other side of campus."

Shiny eyes squints his eyes for a few seconds, his hands squeezed as if he were earnestly thinking— "... no idea...?"

_SERIOUSLY_, SHINY EYES.

I'M ABOUT TO _EAT_ HIM even though that'd fail to deter _ANY_ SITUATION WE ARE IN RIGHT NOW. In the end though, I refrain from doing so and just sigh.

Here's the thing: shiny eyes is one weird character to exist in this school. I mean that in the most, um... basically, if this school was made of cats, he was the equivalent of a mouse.

(Like... okay wow, brain, rockin analogy but IT IS _VERY_ EARLY-LATE AND I'M CONFLICTED CUT ME SOME SLACK.)

I sorta pause— like those Twix commercials where you always need a damn candy bar when it's awkward, like how the hell does _that_ work?— because I'm not exactly sure if I'm supposed to like, _tell_ him. It's not "confidential," because the entire school makes jokes and every Christmas, Netero tries to lock them up in a room together only to find knives in his ass the next morning, but it's like... strange how he wouldn't know.

My mind echoes that he's a spy, but then that'd _really _go from shoujo manga to Korean drama in five seconds flat, and NO, I don't watch those.  
(Milluki does though HAHAHAHAHAHA.)

Then again, he's only been here... okay _tbh_, I dunno a whole lotta bout shiny eyes, SUE ME.

But anyway.

Shiny eyes and I are bros, so whatever, I'll make it fly.

"So, well. Basically, they were like... in a street... y'know, gang. Like, uh— _together_."

Cue strange, muddled silence.

"... how, uh, _'together?'"_

I squint. "Pretty sure Hisoka's only teen-butt-child-predator sexual, but Shizuku swings straight, pretty sure."

"… but like... Leorio."

I sigh.

"Yeah, I know."

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**19 MAY  
**_hahahaha_

jk shizu-senshuu _so_ had an exploratory phase  
(i've seen pics)

if i tell you who, i'd be dead, _HAHAHAHAHAH  
_hah lol LOL

and it wouldn't be shizu doing the killing  
lol

... im gonna change my password  
just in case  
bc u kno _scary_ hahaha CUE NERVOUS LAUGHTER...

— _kil_

.

.

**UNGODLY HOURS 3 (AM)**

Shiny eyes, for once, regards me with those eyes— you know, the kind when you're sure the person you're with is a fucking _psycho_? Those eyes.

It's almost— okay, fucking _really_— offending, because how the hell am _I _the psycho between us?!

"It's _true_," I mutter, and even I know it's weak when shiny eyes arches a brow and pats my shoulder.

"... I think you're just tired, Killua."

I gawk— gross, _gawking_, but that's what happened because it's fucking late and I'm fucking _exhausted_ and my fucking internet bill is through the roof and _FUCKING HISOKA—_ because first of all, I am _not_ crazy. It's a thing; everybody knows Shizuku-senshuu and Hisoka are like two sexual predators that can't be in the same enclosed space without biting each other's faces open or something. Hence, my genius plan of hiding in Shizu-senshuu's room, because you know, at least if he follows us they'll try to kill each other by eating each other's jugulars.

(I think jugular. Jug-yew-lar? Whatever.)

Also, about the street gang thing, it's _serious. _They literally laid wastage to that part of town. _PLUS, _it totally explains how Shizu-senshuu is a total badass slash scary mother fucker, and how Hisoka is so…. himself.  
Digusting.

_ALSO_, HOW THE FUCK AM _I_ THE TIRED ONE WHEN HE KEEPS FALLING ASLEEP WITH HIS EYES OPEN—

... wait, is he...

.

**UNGODLY HOURS 4 (AM)**

_SMACK_.

"Mnhhhnngh, _Killua_," he groans loudly.

I digress my point.

.

.

**username:** killovescakes11  
**password:** *************

_Hello, welcome!_

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO:  
**textpost **blog** tweet status

**SETTINGS:  
**public **private**

**19 MAY  
**_oh g od_

LITERALLY we are too not guarded because this is fucking scary. As much as my thoughts are scattered as fuck (a. because it's _very_ early, and b. because my mind seems to be finding shiny eyes more attractive as he drools which is so _fuCKING_ _dumb_ so i'll blame it on brain malfunctions), I still have a game plan.

Well, somewhat.  
It sounded smarter like maybe an hour and a half ago, but now I've realized several things.

This is an all-boys school.  
Where the _hell_ does Shizu-senshuu sleep?!  
This is an all-_BOYS _school.

Part of me wouldn't be all that shocked with the whole janitor/mop incident and Kirapika being her— whatever the hell he— she?!— is but like, _still_.  
LOL POOR LEORIO.  
i have no idea what im saying damn tired sdhfjkl and shiny eyes is talking about our project who t f cares?!

— _kil_

.

**19 MAY  
**_no no no no_

HIS EYES ARE REALLY NICE SCREECH _BYE_

— _kil_

.

.

**NOTES:  
**\- things im frightened by:  
\- 1. hisoka sexually harassing me  
\- 2. shizu  
\- 3. leorio when drunk  
\- 4. mom bc she's a fucking _psychopath_  
_-_ 5\. illumi, for being friends with feeaking hisoka like wtf  
\- 6. ALLUKA AND HER MANGAS  
\- 7. my family tbh except milluki bc he's milluki and sometimes he games with me _(lol)_  
_-_ 8\. digging gon  
\- 9. like _really_ digging gon

.

.

**UNGODLY HOURS (LOST COUNT) AM**

"Can't we just sleep here?" shiny eyes whines. My eyes narrow because um, fuck no we can't— Hisoka may not have keys, but he has some kind of voodoo magic apparently installed in his dick and he can get anywhere.

_ANYWHERE_.  
(Don't. Ask.)

Second of all, we can't because said closet is very, _very_ small. Like, our legs are jammed together and _God_, like I said, this is how the janitor and the mop started to do the dirty AND _NO_ I AM _NOT_ GOING TO DO THE HORTY-TORTY WITH SHINY EYES

PLEASE GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER, SELF

Anyway, at some point during my _DELUSIONS_ (because it's hella late/early/this is so stupid), he falls asleep. _Again_.

"Gon," I say as strictly as I can from my position on the floor, "I _know_ you can fucking hear me."

"..."

My eye probably twitches or something insanely creepy like that, because Gon does open a single eye after a minute to glance at me curiously. His eyes still shine golden in the darkness, and I scowl in his general direction. Gon pauses, his mouth silent, but his hands move to shove my head against his lap.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE _FUCK. _

"You should sleep," he remarks cheerily as he pats my head gently. I glare.

"Don't patronize me," I grumble as I cross my arms and turn onto my back; I can feel my cheeks redden and can somehow hear Alluka shrieking _somewhere_ in my head, because I _know _Alluka is a damn closet yaoi. This person— FREAKING SHINY EYES— always messes up my rhythm.

Shiny eyes just smiles when my eyes start to flutter closed because _a_, it's hella late okay _stop_ _judging_ _me_ and _b_, his lap is very comfortable and warm _bye_.

"... wake me up in fifteen minutes," I warn him crossly, my blue eyes sharp.

"Mmhmm," he hums in agreement, his grin growing as I give in.

He looks more and more amused with every passing second, until he finally settles with a crooked sort of smile as he leans back comfortably, his eyes slipping closed.

"G'nite, Killua."

I fix my mouth into a tight line as I face away from him, a weird uncomfortable feeling in the back of my throat. I sigh heavily as his breathing slows, and mine fails to because even if it's late, I can't exactly sleep with my heart going through the roof like this.

I really, _really_ can't handle this guy sometimes.  
(Not including banana bread.)

.

.

.

(I'M— SO _GAY_ I CAN'T.)

.

.

(Positive vibes, Kil.)

.

.

**MOOD?  
**confused

tired

nice

_gay_ (HAHAHAHAHA)

**WEATHER?  
**cloudy

**TEMPERATURE?  
**_hot_ ;-)

.

.

**HISOKA CAM  
**_(one of sixteen)_

His feet glide across the floor, his eyes sharp. He can hear the two little brats' breathing, their snores, can smell the booze leaking out of Killua's room. He can already see exactly what has happened (including Killua's rampages as he goes running from him), and he licks his lips amusedly.

For a second, he eyes the janitor's closet— he smirks at the tiny little shifts and noises, but eventually he turns around as he whistles on his way back to his room.

(The tune of his whistle is the Death March. How very, _very_ fitting.)

"How unusual," and Hisoka stares disinterestedly at Shizuku as she silently appears. She swings a single set of keys around her finger, her brow arched delicately. "You're not attacking?"

Hisoka considers her. "Did you just get back?"

She shrugs, her fingers warm and wet and red as she pops her shoulders. "You're not attacking?" she repeats.

There's a second of tense silence, her keys jangling by her side, his fingers outstretched as if to touch her.

He chortles as he eventually passes by, and she rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

"It's not time— not yet."

Shizuku sighs, a trail of smoke billowing from her lips, and Hisoka pauses as she takes her time to answer. There's a trick of a smile on her face.

"It's just never the time, is it?"

.

.

.

.

Netero rolls his eyes as he scans the cameras— or more specifically, CCTV Number 206 in Hallway Nine.  
(Those two have always been his wild cards.)

"Damn melodramatics."

.

.

**TBC.**

* * *

**NOTES:** im finished! hip hip hooray  
sorry for being really MIA lately BUUUT school is kicking my ass + uni apps + other things

but slowly but surely I'll get there!  
chapters may get shorter.

PLUS UNI APPS WERE DUE so im a free bird who can now update unless i... get blocked  
which i am um... awkward silence AT LEAST I UPDATED?

also, i highly recommend yami no matsuei? Random but if ya wanna talk to me im here sometimes not rly i try  
there's a noncreepy hisoka in there (like wat)

thanks for the support SLASH ROCKIN REVIEWS u guys are the sweetest  
sometimes idek how you guys deal w/ me  
SORRY IM SLOW lol

**xxx. **


End file.
